so tired...

Alot of things have been happening recently.. Its been messing with my mind leaving me unmotivated and really just, emotionless. This is going to be a ranting entry so stop reading here because I am just going to get all upset once the floodgates open.





Been hanging in a limbo for a very long time - tempted to go backwards, unsure how to move forward and unhappy standing still where I am.

Much as I would like to say A has been nice and all. The "dramatic" unconventional way in which we met each other and our stories unfolded, is not as fairytale or 'fate' as some wld hv liked to call it. There are fights and getting on each other's nerves frm time to time. More so now then ever before.

There are moments where I question why the heck do we even bother talking bcoz everything that comes out of our conversation is just resentment and so much more despair. At least it appears to me tt way.

Maybe I am selfish in they way I want things to drag out bcoz I am so afraid of being alone. Of wishing to hear my phone ring and finally switching it off when I cannot take the waiting any longer. I hate being reliant and needy and desperate. But all I ask for is someone to be there at the very end. To care enough to listen and not judge.

And then there is the study thing. I want to go to university bcoz then I can prolong growing up for another couple of yrs. But blame it on myself for not learning my lesson in JC, similarly bumming through poly, getting shit grades and having to beg universities for admission.

I don't want to go away. But maybe it would be my big break as it was for Denise. Letting go of matters here and starting afresh faraway. Nevermind the cost or the relationships lost. Just chucking the world here aside and stepping on greener pastures. Opening doors tt will lead me to places I can nv imagine, people I only read about. Think of all the opportunities?!

But can I not care about the cost? With a family like mine who projects wealth and affluence but is actually really stretched thin? With siblings unable to fend for themselves just yet but have so much potential and so much future I am proud just listening to them talk abt their ambitions.

Beside them, my whole life pales so terribly it shames me to even consider running away. As if I have any right to think I deserve an overseas education. Loan or no loan, the parents burden is going to increase what with the gloomy economic climate and us being a single breadwinner household?

I know as long as I request I will get. Tt is bcoz they love me. They really love me too much to deny me. My parents who know the consequences of letting undisciplined, shopping queen, me taking a hundred thousand dollars away and my sisters who will nv complain abt unfairness. But bcoz they love me, everything feels wrong. To take when I am unsure of the ability to return.

But just as I feel I am going to stay put here, I feel stiffled. Suffocated by the demands of people I care abt and by myself, stuck in the rut. There is no drive to study or even do anything constructive like going for job interviews. Other than sleep and eat and staring into space, letting my life seep away. There is just something going on now tt makes me feel lethagic and bored typically all the time.

Towards friends, there are friends who I really want to help get out of financial or relationship woes. But I am not a very matured person so I tend to end up doing or saying the wrong things tt only serves to show me in bad light. But they being my friends are forgiving and kind all the time. Making me even more determined to pull them out of cycles before they drop any further. But then again, I will say and do the wrong thing so the purpose is still not served.

Someone blogged: "sometimes, in the bid to be a good friend, we willingly throw ourselves at every opportunity to help others. sometimes, ur help is appreciated and worth it, sometimes its not. yet other times, there are the gray areas in which that friend does appreciate u, just keeps relying on u for the same problem. they never learn from previous mistakes, yet they always come running back, expecting you to solve their problems. some expect you to clear up their shit instead of figuring out a solution for themselves. some keep relying on you to be encouraging, to shower praises, just so their self-esteem will be boosted.

so just where is the line drawn between not spoiling your friend, yet being one that will be there all the time. this applies not just to friendship, but to sibling relationships, and parent-child relationships. to what extent does is a parent's attempt to protect her child an act of shielding her child from the bad effects of the world, or just merely being a good and loving mother."

I know I didn't listen when you who loved me; advised me. I know I cried and I couldn't stop. I know I didn't believe and we even fell out. I am sorry I only saw the bad guy in you. I only criticised and shut you out when all you wanted was to protect me. Just as you always have.

I turned down many "dates" with the girlfriends on the pretext of studying. But honestly speaking, I haven't gotten much studying done and I do know tt I shld really get started soon. But when your mood is down, its hard to get the engine running. Likewise, pretending to be happy when you have alot of things unsaid just leaves me very drained.

Its the whole package of stress. It probably was within me all the time but as I get older it just becomes more prevalent. I think I need a break.

Mr Ong (SPSE ex-teacher-in-charge) emailed me... He is leaving SP and leaving Singapore and he wished me all the best. Urging me to follow my dreams and going where my heart takes me.

My heart tells me to run. Leave everything behind and go someplace else.

I guess starting anew would always be easier then trying to make do with the old. But the comfort and the love of sentimental things, memories and people here is making it really hard for me to just make up my mind and let go.

So tired.